Monday, July 13, 2020

Stop and Smell the Chicken Nuggets, a DIY Guide for Valentine’s Bouquets

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Amanda Rossenrode
Amanda Rossenrode is a writer, zombie apocalypse expert and chicken finger connoisseur in Southern California. She loves sleeping, boring people by talking about history and impressing her nephew with her mad Super Mario skills. She fears and respects aliens and escalators. When she grows up she wants to be a Bigfoot Investigator. Is there, like a school for that?

Valentine’s Day can be hard.  How do you find the perfect gesture, or more importantly, the perfect gift to express your affection and make your partner say, “…What the hell?” Enter the Chicken Nugget Bouquet.

I’m McLoving it.

Yes, this DIY poetically emotes that not only do you have crippling Peter Pan syndrome, but a four dollar budget for Valentine’s Day.  To make this ode to the elementary school cafeteria follow these simple steps:

1. Dig through you kitchen junk drawer, past the old packets of ketchup and broken Glade Plug-Ins to find those bamboo skewers. You have them, remember three years ago, when your thought shrimp skewers would be fun, but they caught on fire? There should also be some old Christmas ribbon in there too.  See, it’s not hoarding when it comes in handy for strange internet projects!

2. Purchase Nuggets. The instructions I received from the good people at Yahoo News suggest 24, which is “almost enough to share”. This is pure insanity. Nuggets don’t come in 24 pieces. You would have to buy four 6 piece nuggets.  Or buy a 20 and a 6 and throw 2 away.  Not only is this financially ridiculous, and highly over your budget, but you would have to argue with the dude at McDonald’s when he suggests a 20 piece. Now you’re the jerk holding up the drive-thru, howling, “But that’s clearly not enough to SHARE!”

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3. Drive to your beloved’s home and park somewhere dark (preferably at nightfall) and stab nuggets with stick. This step is crucial. You cannot do this in advance. Cold nuggets are about as appealing as a scratched Rob Thomas CD, and let’s be honest, microwaving them does something unholy to their molecular structure.

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4. Tie this fast food puppet show together with the repurposed Christmas ribbon so it looks somewhat like a bouquet and not a salty offering to the Blair Witch.

5. Include a handwritten card. Rip a piece of paper out of an old notebook and write down your feelings. Suggestions include, “You like McDonald’s, so –here.” “This is the best I could do,” or the classic “Sorry dude.” If you want to be extra saucy, smear your lips with BBQ sauce to seal with a high fructose corn syrup laced kiss.

Flowers die, by February everyone is over chocolates and singing stuffed animals get possessed by poltergeists. The Chicken Nugget Bouquet is perhaps the only Valentine’s gift out there to gauge how strong your relationship is. It’s weird, and let’s face it, so are you. You’re sitting in a 98 Kia stabbing nuggets with a stick. That’s just bonkers. If someone accepts that from you, then they accept you. And then you have found a fellow weirdo and a keeper.

To my husband and fellow chicken nugget connoisseur.  

Cover Image: mrs_claire_grant and Londononfoodie on instagram

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