Today I learned what it looks like when Harry and the Hendersons and E.T. have a baby wearing an Iron Giant onesie. It looks like the BumbleBee movie trailer.

Let me preface by saying that this movie looks like lots of fun. The robots look awesome and the action scenes are exciting. If I was a kid or not a terrible person, I’d take this picture at face value and cheer along with it, grinning like a maniac and counting down the days until Christmas so this movie could be burned through my retinas and singed into my brain.

Unfortunately, I’m a critical fuddy-duddy who has to rip everything apart. So, upon viewing the BumbleBee trailer, this is what my brain chose to experience:

  • Vaguely misunderstood chosen one named Charlie makes an impression on an elder who decides she’s the next in line to learn the secrets of the Beetle.
  • Sweet, dopey, well-meaning robot friend who knows nothing about our world, rules, and decorum relies on girl-type Charlie like a lost puppy. Girl is now responsible for robotic harbinger of death ::singing:: in disguise and must teach him how to be a gentle giant, ala Harry and the Hendersons or E.T.
  • Girl type Charlie at some point will find out that sweet and gentle robot friend is actually a war machine, ala Iron Giant.
  • Per the trailer, robot friend has a secondary “Dragon Zord in Battle Mode” setting and loses sentience.
  • Robot friend will be in Battle Mode and there will be a scene where big bad military man will somehow manipulate and convince girl type Charlie that robot friend is a menace to society and he and his big, bad military group need to take him away to be dismantled and tested on so they can understand what makes him sentient.
  • Girl type Charlie will cry and beg BumbleBee to remember himself.
  • Everyone comes of age and is now tougher and more fun on the other side. Vague ending ensues to prepare for the other four sequels to follow.