Monday, August 3, 2020

Valentine’s Gifts for the Insane

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Amanda Rossenrode
Amanda Rossenrode is a writer, zombie apocalypse expert and chicken finger connoisseur in Southern California. She loves sleeping, boring people by talking about history and impressing her nephew with her mad Super Mario skills. She fears and respects aliens and escalators. When she grows up she wants to be a Bigfoot Investigator. Is there, like a school for that?

Ah, Valentine’s Day. The one day a year you are forced to acknowledge your grudging liking for your significant other with a pink stuffed bear from CVS.  If you were smart, you would have bought it on February 15th of last year and thrown it under the bed.  Then at least you would have got it on clearance and not paid 19.99 for a piece of junk that will ultimately end up under the bed.

You’re not smart though. No, you are romantic! Didn’t someone once say, Love makes fools of us all? I think it was JFK. Or Yoda. Baby Yoda? Maybe. I could have seen it on a Facebook meme. Nonetheless, you are a fool, and a fool in love. So here is a list of foolish gifts for the idiot in your life.

Girlfriend Boxers Santasocks.com $19.95

Nothing says “secure in our relationship” like stamping your face on a pair of underpants. It’s the perfect way to show your partner that you know the password to their email and go through their phone when they’re sleeping. And sleep they will, with one eye open, when your present them with this textile version of a boiled bunny.  As sexy as a wet kiss from grandma, this token of your wild possession –er, passion, will be worn reluctantly on laundry day until he finds out that you secretly made copies of all his keys. Hey, you were just worried he might get locked out one day and need you to have one! At least that’s what you can tell the judge.

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Wife Nutritional Facts Amazon.com $13.98

Nothing is sweeter than a hot cup of Joe in the morning. Except for a cup of sugar, I guess.  This mug gets the “I Tried” award in the Shrug Category. Not to mention it won’t be delivered until February 21. While this coffee mug initially looks innocuous enough, it’s a great way to spice up any marriage.  While reading the nutritional facts of the wife, you will learn that she is 200 percent wine and 150 percent caffeine.  That’s one hyper drunk.  The fine print warns that even the relatively complimentary ingredients are subject to change based on her behavior and the presence of her family. If you’re looking for a cheap gift and a backhanded insult, this is for you.  It’s a great conversation starter for topics like, “Why does your dad keep criticizing our lawn? He can mow it himself if he has a problem!” “You’re drunk right now aren’t you?! Oh yeah, then why did you dress up the neighbor’s cat, Diane? Why are you pushing him around in a stroller? Its 8:30 in the morning! Don’t you dare throw that coffee cup at me! That’s it, I’m lowering your patience to 50 percent of the daily recommend value.”

That’s just adorable, drunk or not..

Bacon Roses Multiple Sites, DIY

Like the McNugget bouquet, this greasy alternative to actual flowers lets your partner know that you respect their hatred for vegetables and stairs. You can gaze deeply into one another’s eyes as you feed each other a dozen slices of bacon.  Inhale the natural perfume of pork sweat and regret.  Include flutes filled with Pepto Bismal for a night that ends with both of you sleeping on couch while Netflix asks you if you’re still watching Forensic Files. Yes, damn it, we are!

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Fill in the Blank Plaque

This gem, from supersavers.com, is great for the cheap and the lazy.  It’s a framed plaque that simply says, “I love you because:_____________” and lets your partner make something up. Let’s be honest, you put your face on a pair on boxers and got third degree burns trying to make bacon roses. You’re not very good at this game. Left up to your own devices you would probably say, “I love you because you have bail money.” “I love you because Netflix password.” “I love you because I sat in butter, don’t ask me how or why, but it’s all over the chair. Honestly, its all over everything. How do you get butter out of a chair? And the neighbor’s cat?” You’re not up to the task buddy. Let your significant other fill in the blank and then nod sagaciously, stroke your chin and say, “See, that was just what I was going to say, but I wanted to know if you knew why I loved you. Now, about this butter…”

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Happy Valentine’s Day to you all and your neighbor’s cat. He’s had a lot to deal with this year and with all of your ridiculousness.

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