Wednesday, July 8, 2020

Predicting the ‘Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker’ Plot

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Months ago I jokingly said – based on the trailer – that the worst idea and therefore the one chosen to end the Skywalker saga in Star Wars will be TIME TRAVEL!

Oh, probably SPOILERS AHEAD, though this is entirely my predictions.

“They fly now?!” Yes. And you should’ve known that.

The trailer showed a repaired Millenium Falcon with its round disc. It also showed what appeared to be the original Star Destroyers in some kind of magic cloud. We’ve also seen sort of time travel in some of the extended media. Luke can also project himself in time and space, apparently, so the next logical step for JJ Abram was time travel.

I changed my prediction.

Still better than Rian Johnson’s movie.

I considered what the worst possible option for how to close the series and fix all the crazy mess from The Last Jedi would be. Everyone is basically dead. General Hux isn’t an intimidating bureaucrat. He’s a joke. The Resistance is now about 30 people. Kylo Ren is a whiny guy who killed Snoke and the two mysteries – Who is Snoke and who is Rey? – are lost to the ages due to Rian Johnson.

Image: Member Palpatine? I member!

My official prediction for The Rise of Skywalker follows.

NOTE: There are a bunch of spoilers and leaks and whatever online but I have avoided them like the plague that is The Last Jedi. These are my ideas based on the trailers, clips, official images, and a guy who has seen or read every Star Wars thing ever.

Rey and her Resistance pals are chasing after a MacGuffin. It’s the same MacGuffin that Kylo Ren and his knights are after. But someone in the First Order (Hux?) is against Kylo’s choices and is maybe reconsidering being a bad guy. Whatever this MacGuffin is, a sort of space plot device, it has something to do with the Sith. What is the actual MacGuffin? I guess some kind of Sith artifact because Jedi.

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A bunch of nonsense happens. Lando somehow has some secret knowledge but is only on screen for like 20 seconds. The coolest man in the galaxy, Billy Dee Williams, will have maybe a scene or 2. Maybe 2. And it all leads to…

Image: Member Chewbacca? I member!

Sheev Palpatine (the Emperor) is just straight up still alive, hiding out in a Sith temple and being old. Or something. It isn’t a clone. It isn’t his force ghost somehow taking over one of the Knights of Ren. Oh, no. Those at least make some logical sense in story. No, that would be too smart for the Disney Star Wars series.

Palpatine somehow just straight up survive being killed, thrown down a shaft, and exploding in outer space.

Image: Palpatine had like 400 clones in Dark Empire ready to go.

Not only did he survive because reasons, but he wants Kylo to turn Rey and they will rule the universe or whatever like Vader.

BUT OH NO! Kylo has a change of heart. Leia dies of natural causes and disappears like Yoda. This pushes Rey to become Jedi Numero Uno. So Kylo and Rey team up. The Resistance and the First Order space battle the Sith Empire 2.0. The good guys and the bad guys have to defeat the ULTIMATE BAD GUY! The old man who was a politician.

Image: Capitalism: A Love Story Part 2: The Rise of Sheev.

The movie closes with Kylo, now just calling himself Ben Solo, dying. Rey goes off to Luke’s old moisture farm to train some Jedi or something. But wait, there’s more! This isn’t Rey Skylwalker or Rey Solo. Rey is Palpatine’s child/clone/grandchild. Finn, Poe, and Rose rejoice. Whatever new character they introduce is happy, I guess. Evil is defeated again. Happy Force ghosts smile down.

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Thus the Skywalker saga ends in the movie Rise of Skywalker without a single living Skywalker.

I’m sure Chewbacca dies too because everything you love has to be rebooted, shown to you, and then killed to make way for new, shiny things.

Image: Killing Chewbacca and giving C-3P0 his gun for a comedy sequence is the way.

And that is my bold hot take prediction for how Disney manages to make a sillier, less coherent trilogy than either the original or the prequels. People will still love it. I will see it, frown, and swear of Star Wars again.

Hey, the Mandalorian is great, though!

Image: Good stories with intelligent writing. This is the way.

The new trilogy, henceforth known as the Mistakequels, ends with no living Skywalker, a dead Chewbacca, and the death of a resurrected Palpatine because nostalgia. And C-3P0 gets to sell some red eye SDCC exclusive “Mommy, I can read Sith writing now!” talking toys. Hooray for Star Wars! Hooray for Disney!

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Yub nub, my friends. Yub nub!

What are your predictions for Episode IX? Let Nerdbot know in the comments!

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