Monday, August 3, 2020

The Most Insane “As Seen on TV” Products Ever

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Amanda Rossenrode
Amanda Rossenrode is a writer, zombie apocalypse expert and chicken finger connoisseur in Southern California. She loves sleeping, boring people by talking about history and impressing her nephew with her mad Super Mario skills. She fears and respects aliens and escalators. When she grows up she wants to be a Bigfoot Investigator. Is there, like a school for that?

Some “As Seen on TV” products are genius. Just look at the Snuggie. For when it’s cold but you need to use your hands and are too stupid to figure out a sweater. Or the Bacon Wave, for the person on the go who’s already started their fair share of grease fires. Others look genius, but only to people who have failed at life. Speaking as a representative of those that have failed at life, check out these sweet pieces of junk that can clutter up your closet for four easy payments of $19.99. If you call now, we’ll throw in a dog Snuggie for FREE!

Chatty Patty

Are you plagued by people frequently coming to your house and socializing with you? Chatty Patty is here to make sure that never happens again! This adorable plastic parrot starts recording people as soon as they start talking (Cohen Stamp of Approval). Then the bird, hilariously, immediately repeats what people say! That’s a gag that’s never going to get old. Like a child ghost in a horror movie, it rocks itself back and forth, slowing contemplating its evil thoughts and lulling you into a false sense of trust. Once you are bereft of all company, it will periodically whistle and laugh to punctuate the maddening silence. Who needs friends when you have this avian nightmare whispering in your ear?

As you wish, o Great Chatty Patty. I am but your humble servant…

Exfoliating Bath Brush

It’s not so much that this product is stupid –stores across the world have carried long-handled bath brushes for years. My issue with this product is that it is very obviously a toilet brush. A modified toilet brush, but a toilet brush all the same. Some genius was sitting in the shower, dangerously twisting and turning on the slippery tile to get that hard to reach center of the back with their useless bath sponge. Their eyes alighted on their toilet scrubber and they thought to themselves –“Now that’s the ticket. People don’t just want to be clean. They want to be toilet bowl fresh!”

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Pajama Jeans

“Pajamas you live in”. Sometimes dreams really do come true.

If you’ve ever wanted the freedom to go days without having to shower or change your clothes, but still need to make a run to the store for Funyuns and gin, Pajama Jeans are a life saver! No more judgmental stares of fellow Wal-Mart shoppers as your dig through the $1 DVD bin in baggy, faded, crust-covered Garfield P.J.s.  Look your best when the police show up to your apartment for a surprise wellness check! They come in a tasteful navy that is optimal at hiding stains and if you order in the next twenty minutes, they come free with a bottle of Febreeze, because laundry is for people who don’t live smart.  Pajama Jeans: Just This Side of Giving Up.

CitiKitty

“See! He likes it!”

The CitiKitty was obviously designed by someone who has never met a cat. I have a cat. In ten years I have trained her to do exactly zero things. If I suggested that she start doing her business on the toilet, she would spontaneously develop the ability to laugh and tell me to go f*** myself. Cleaning a litter box is admittedly an unpleasant experience, but perhaps still preferable to sharing a toilet with your cat. Just wait until she starts banging on the door, demanding to use the bathroom. Just imagine what your guests will think when they go to use the bathroom and there’s a tabby crouched over the pot, staring them dead in the eye as they finish their business.  Or, because the first step of “training” your cat to use the CitiKitty is place a pan filled with litter just beneath the seat, the awkwardness of forgetting to tell someone it’s in there.  But who are we kidding, if you’re wearing Pajama Jeans and scrubbing yourself with a toilet brush, hosting faux pas aren’t exactly a big issue, are they?

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EZ Cracker

Let’s be honest, cracking eggs is hard, if not damn near impossible. I keep bashing them into my forehead and wondering why I’m still hungry. If there was only a simpler way to fix man’s oldest and most prevalent problem.

“Kids! Breakfast is ready!”

With the EZ Cracker you simply slip the egg into the cradle and squeeze the handle to crack the impenetrable eggshell with one fell swoop! No more mess and hassle of slamming eggs onto the counter and sliding the contents into a bowl with your unwashed hands. No more crunchy egg salad sandwiches because you tried to remove the shell with a hammer. Now you too can enjoy your eggs without out burning your fingers fishing whole eggshells out of a hot pan! Call now and we’ll throw in a handy-dandy cereal pourer which is so much easier than your current method of pouring the entire box in the sink then adding milk. Better yet, call a pizza place. If cracking eggs poses such a problem, perhaps cooking them is out of your culinary ability. Salmonella is for real folks.

If only there was a better way!

Has an As Seen on TV product changed your life and made you a better person? Let Nerdbot know in the comments!

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