I had planned to buy a black-market wristband for this weekend’s Coachella (or Coachella 2, as the cool kids call it) but I got a message from my landlord that if I bounce another check due to wristband related problems, then I can take my problems to the streets (and not in a funky Step Up way).  So sadly, this year I will not be able to partake in the magic of what reviewers called a breathtaking and near religious experience of the performance of the yodeling kid from Walmart. If you too cannot afford a month’s rent to sweat in field while fighting rich people dressed as hobos for a patch of shade, here are some fun ideas to spend your Coachella weekend!

Livestream the Performances

Many sites offer the ability to livestream the performances. Now you too can be up to date on all of the historic goofy gimmicks that will be a meme by tomorrow! It’s like you’re actually there, if being there means sitting at your laptop in pajamas eating Doritos. Who wants the fuss of long lines, fetid bathrooms and getting your arm licked by a stranger? Unless, your house is like that. I don’t know you. Livestreaming lets you have all the fun of the festival without the actual fun. It’s like watching your neighbor’s birthday party through their window and quietly singing along to happy birthday, without all the inclusion and social interaction. Live Tweet it as you watch and see how many pity likes you get from your mom. She’s on the Twitter now, you know? Charlie set her up. Charlie actually calls his mother once in a while. No guilt, just saying.

Make Some Money

You know the old saying: If you can’t beat them, exploit them. This is a great time to make some extra cash by ride sharing or Postmates. If you don’t believe me, ask Craigslist. They told me I could make 500 dollars A DAY in my spare time. An added bonus is most of the festival attendees are too drunk to remember that they ordered Postmates, let alone answer the door. That means a lot of free tacos, vodka and La Croix soda water. If being lured by strangers with the promise of cash isn’t your thing, think outside the box and ruthlessly speculate on food and water to a crowd of people virtually trapped by epic lines and terrible parking/traffic. Walk through the parking lot and sell bottles of water and Band-Aids at upwards of 5 bucks a pop. Believe me, those girls didn’t realize a two mile trek down a dirt road would be so hard in stilettos.

These boots weren’t made for walking…

In the ecstatic excitement of dressing up as a homeless scarecrow, many attendees forget to have a complete breakfast and face hours in line under the merciless desert sun without anything to eat. Take a cue from the old peanut vendors at baseball games and sell simple snacks, like granola bars or hot stew. Lastly, those rickshaw drivers make bank ferrying tired revelers to and from the parking lots. But I don’t have a rickshaw, you say. I thought we were thinking outside the box. A grocery cart is a perfectly acceptable substitute and is available at your local Ralphs.

Hop in guys!

Have Some Fun

Now that you’re on the premises, but haven’t been apprehended by any law enforcement agency yet, have some harmless fun. If you have a friend (and it’s very possible at this point you don’t), loudly mention a surprise guest performance that you heard about. Perhaps DMX is going to be making his comeback during The War on Drugs? A hologram Fred Durst doing some medley with Eminem? Beyonce revealing that she ate the souls of the original members of Destiny’s Child to gain immortality? It’s no more absurd than paying nearly a grand to hear a Youtube star yodel. See how long it takes to hear the rumor repeated. Blast it across the internet, until your great-aunt Cecile starts sending you links about Beyonce and demon worship and the Bey-Hive is posting your address online. Then move. Leave the country if need be. Learn French, you always said you wanted to. Don’t mess around with the Bey-Hive if you don’t have the dedication to change your name and learn Urdu.

Don’t Be Afraid to Hit the Bargain Bin

Always remember, that 75% percent of these bands can be seen at your local dive bar for ten bucks and a beer.  Sure, Coachella gives you the bragging rights to say that you saw The Coastal Fires at Coachella before they were The Coastal Fires, but your local high school’s battle of the bands offers the same opportunity and there’s usually a baked goods table. I think I’m scheduled to play the Sahara tent at 2pm on Sunday and my only musical talent is being able to play the opening chords of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” on my grandmother’s Casio keyboard. I will be accompanied by my husband, who spent three months learning the first four seconds of “Come as You Are” on a guitar that serves as a doorjamb now. And you will still have to ask him if he’s trying to play the something from The Violent Femmes (but be cool about it. He’s sensitive). We will be playing a two hour set followed by a DJ mash-up of the Charlie Bit My Finger video.  They paid us with Spicy Pie slices and we’re not allowed to attend the rest of the festival. We do have to pick up trash and vomit covered sandals at the end of the night.

We love you Coachella, GOODNIGHT!

Do you think Coachella is a hot ticket or overpriced and on its way out? Let Nerdbot know in the comments!