The state of cinema feel worse than ever at the top of 2024. I’ve echoed this sentiment before, but “Madame Web” reaffirms that while January and February are largely considered dumping grounds for studios, this year feels particularly awful. You know it’s bad when “The Beekeeper” is considered the best film of the year so far. For the record, I dug the hell out of that film. I only use it as a frame of reference for just how bad cinema is at the moment, with “Madame Web” gunning for the top spot as one of the worst films of the year. Yes, this may even be worse than “Argylle,” a film so bad it made me question whether I should start waiting to watch new films in March and just abandon the first 60 days of every year from now on. “Madame Web” essentially doubles down on everything that makes a bad film, and ushers in a new low for not just Dumpuary months, but worst of films as a whole.
We need to have to two very serious discussions at this crossroads before we dive into “Madame Web” itself. One, Sony needs to be stopped. Whether this is to maintain the rights to Spiderman or for tax write off purposes or simply because fuck you, they can, this kind of superhero shlock and extend universe even the most ardent of comic book readers couldn’t care less about needs to be shelved indefinitely. Second, we need to come down off the high horse of Worst Films of the Year contenders. I get it, filmmaking is hard. But being difficult to do well does not automatically exempt it for vitriol, and it’s time to stop pretending like bad films are good simply because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. There is a line between trolling cruelty ala The Razzies and rightfully ripping bad filmmaking apart critically and listing them as a sort of warning for viewers to avoid. We don’t need to tip toe here; Sony made and continues to make terrible films, and they need to be held accountable. This isn’t just as bad as you think it is; it’s much, much worse for reasons that feel avoidable but is largely too lazy and uninspired to care.
To paint a picture of just how bad “Madame Web” is (besides the trailers that don’t do the film any favors), I took my seat in a largely packed theater for a Thursday evening screening. I was on a 3 film run, saving it for last in case I wanted to just abandon it altogether halfway through. I didn’t have high expectations, but figured maybe there’s some cheeky, self awareness charm to be had and at the very least I can look at Sydney Sweeney and Dakota Johnson for 118 minutes. A couple sat next to me, and when the title cards for Sony and Marvel came up, the woman leaned over to her partner and said, “So this IS a Marvel movie.” This tells me that this is a couple that probably goes to theater 6 times a year at best, streams whenever the can, and can’t distinguish between Sony Marvel and MARVEL-Marvel properties. This makes her next comment all the more damning, because the woman leans over to her partner roughly 30 minutes into the film and says, “That guys voice doesn’t sound like it’s coming from him. I don’t think he’s actually speaking in this movie.”
The ADR (Automated Dialogue Replacement) is something that is rarely noticed by the average moviegoer. Typically, the sound editing and sound design of “Madame Web” is reserved for stuffy old critics like myself who watch for those kinds of things. But here, a woman who believes Sony and Marvel Studios are one in the same noticed the ADR being off enough to comment on it. This film is so woefully constructed and poorly edited people NOTICE when the characters aren’t actually speaking. It is most notable with the character of Ezekiel (Tahar Rahim) who I am now convinced doesn’t have an actual spoken line in the entire movie. There are times where his mouth is moving and the dialogue is noticeably different, like a bad dubbing of old Kung Fu films. Other times, the film is edited is such a way that we rarely see his face, with tons of OTS and off screen shots to mask the fact that we never actually hear Rahim’s voice. It raises questions of what kind of character existed prior to the ADR post production edits, and leads me to believe that “Madame Web” had a completely different villain that was hacked to bits and wholly reimagined in post.
This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the follies of “Madame Web.” It’s one thing to have an entire character rendered in poorly edited ADR. It’s another thing entirely to have a script that forces someone to say out loud to another human being, “When you take on the responsibility, great power will come.” Yes, that is 4 screenwriters (Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless, Clair Parker, S. J. Clarkson) butchering one of the most iconic lines in the Spider-man franchise. The dialogue and delivery is clunky and detached, paired with such frantic editing we end up learning nothing about anyone regardless of how many exposition dumps they cram into nearly every scene. There are noticeable laugh lines that constantly feel forced, and you could hear a pin drop in my screening every time one of them was poorly uttered. “Madame Web” is sitcom level bad with its attempt at humor, and with no laugh track behind it to trick you into thinking it’s funny, every single joke feels more and more cringe. It is a near humorless affair, and more wooden than a pair of stilts.
By now you’re probably wondering where the synopsis for “Madame Web” is in this review. Honestly, I don’t even think I could properly give you one, as I’ve already tried to remove as much of this embarassing mess of a film from my brain.
I guess “Madame Web” is about Cassandra Webb- yes, that’s her name- played byJohnson, a paramedic who beings to have visions that seem to show her the future. As she begins to uncover the secrets of her past, she crosses paths with 3 young girls who are being pursued by a mysterious man (Rahim) who may be connected to Webb’s past. You know, he was in the Amazon with her mom who was researching spiders right before she died. Sidenote: that line is not actually in the film, but there are enough versions of it delivered with the same amount of eye rolling exhaustion you kind of wish it was so we could all point and laugh ironically. There’s so much more that gets crammed into the cacophony of ideas that clash and clutter the screen, but that’s ultimately the gist of “Madame Web.” It stars Johnson, Rahim, Scott, Sweeney, Merced, and O’Connor.
Oh and Emma Roberts too, because why not?
If you find yourself 45 minutes into this thing and have questions like who is Ezekiel? Why does he also have one singular premonition of his death? Where did he get this dark spidey-suit? Why is he rich with seemingly unlimited resources but also walking on the subway without shoes? why is he involved with the spider stuff in the first place? Who are these spider people just living their spidey life in Peru? What are Webb’s actual powers? why are these 3 girls never shown as the spider-women we’re told they’re supposed to portray? How did Cassie get from NY to Peru and back in like 48 hours while also being the number one fugitive for kidnapping? Why is this whole movie sponsored by Pepsi? Why are their fireworks in an abandon building that is already a massive fire hazard in the finale? Does basic CPR chest compressions stop cardiac arrest? Hold up did they just needle drop “Scandalous” from the unwatchable “Catwoman?” Was “Toxic” by Britney Spears a 2003 release? Wait is that Uncle Ben? Hold up is this a baby shower for Peter Parker? What the fuck is happening right now? Rest assured, “Madame Web” never answers a single one of them.
I could go on and on about all the messiness here, but truthfully I’ve already written more words about this travesty than it deserves. This is just bad filmmaking across the board. In every possible way a film can be bad “Madame Web” takes the throne. It commits all the same mistakes as something like “Morbius” and then some, once again confirming that Sony needs to be stopped. It evokes all of the same disdain you can recall for things like “Elecktra,” “Catwoman,” “Fantastic Four aka Fant4stic” and a large swath of early 2000s superhero blunders. We should be past this in cinema. Bad films are always going to exist, but this is a new low and feels intentionally terrible and lacking. It reinvents how awful big blockbuster films can actually be at a time when we deserve better.
I know it’s early, but “Madame Web” is the worst film of the year, and I doubt things can get any worse from here. Of course, we still have to sit through “Kraven,” so, Sony may manage to outdo themselves with awfulness.
The best part of “Madame Web” was the trailer for “Daddio” (one of my absolute favorite films from TIFF also starring Johnson) appearing before the film. Oh, and Johnson’s incredible press tour. Johnson talking ABOUT “Madame Web” is better than anything she does IN “Madame Web.”
Trust your own instincts on this one. The futures you see of being disappointed are very, very real, and you don’t need this kind of negativity in your life.
Rating: 1 out of 5 Stars
“Madame Web” is now playing in theaters. You can watch the trailer below.
