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The Nerd Side Of Life

Couple Laundering Billions in Cryptocurrency are Destroying Rap Music

Sometimes multiple crimes can be committed by people across different segments in life. In the case of Ilya Lichtenstein and Heather Morgan, the pair were arrested for laundering bitcoin. But Morgan could also have been charged by society with murdering the very concept of rap music.

Let’s be clear on something- allegedly laundering (what was at the time) $91 million following the hacking of a cryptocurrency exchange is bad enough. But you know what else is terrible? This “song.”

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What you’re seeing here is a reupload of the song “Versace Bedouin” by Razzlekhan, otherwise known as Heather Morgan. It is awful. It is so awful that it may actually be worse than money laundering. Not in a legal sense, but more like in an ethical, musical sense. This is so bad, it makes Vanilla Ice look like he has legitimate cred. It’s so awful that it makes Rodney Dangerfield‘s “Rapping Rodney” sound like “In da Club.” It’s so atrocious it makes us wonder why anything Lou Bega did after “Mambo No. 5” was shunned.

Mind you, we haven’t really talked about the charges of money laundering. On February 8th 2022, both Morgan and Lichtenstein were arrested by the FBI, and appeared in court in Manhattan. Six years ago when the initial hacking of Bitfinex took place, a large amount of bitcoins were placed into the digital wallet of Lichtenstein and Morgan, which were then traced through blockchain. Because investigators were able to obtain private keys to the accounts, the transactions were easily traced back to them; though it hardly helped that there some odd decisions to two of them made.

According to The New York Times, the feds are refusing to state whether or not the two were involved in the actual hacking. But the couple did a number of suspicious things, including opening accounts under false names, doing thousands of small transactions, and at one point, opening up seven different accounts for a single exchange, with the amount in those accounts totaling over $186,000. You don’t need to be an expert in banking to know that this is the kind of stuff that will ultimately get you caught.

Perhaps the most ironic part about all this is how for years, the two have been stating online how fallible cryptocurrency is, and how it’s only a matter of time before it’s valueless. They also discussed ways to keep your accounts safe; advise they clearly did not heed. Then again, they also could’ve asked for advice on whether or not they should make a rap video. But it’s not like Morgan accepted that advice, either.

This early into the case, it’s hard to say what awaits Lichtenstein and Morgan in terms of severity of charges, and if there’s any chance of a plea deal. It is confirmed at time of this writing that the approximate value of the seized bitcoins is $3.6 billion, making this the largest federal seizure of all time. It’s also confirmed that having that much cash doesn’t make you a very good rap artist; there’s no substitute for tangible bling. Or talent.

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