Alternative Summer Blockbusters?
Sure, we’ve got Solo coming up, and Deadpool 2 and Jurassic World: The Trailer Will Be Better Than the Movie, coming up. We’ve been hearing about these movies since we were born practically. But there’s literally dozens of other films coming out that are destined to crush those movies at the box office. Some sound intriguing and some sound like they were made as the result of a lost bet. Movies like …
Tag, starring Ed Helms, Jon Hamm and Jeremy Renner, is a movie based on a true story about a group of friends playing a decade’s long game of Tag, as adults do. It has been described as a high concept comedy. Okay. Not entirely sure what that is, but okay. However I would be perfectly happy if it was a straight up action film, in the vein of Taken. I want to see Jon Hamm chasing Ed Helms on a Ski-Doo through the canals of Venice. I want a trailer where Renner runs effortlessly over the roofs of cars during rush hour to the sounds of Massive Attack. I haven’t seen the trailer because frankly, I don’t want to dispel this beautiful imagery in my head. Like Chris Pratt coming to my Boggle Tournament, I want this to be real damn it. Or anyone coming to my Boggle Tournaments. I know you guys saw my invite. I would sell my soul to the devil if I hadn’t already to see a close up of Renner aiming his arrow and snarling, “You’re it.”
In theaters June 15.
You know what we, as a society, are sorely in need of? A fresh cop/animal partner film. Especially a talking dog partner. Will Arnett and Ludacris will make you question their agents’ sobriety in this hilarious tale of a detective and his dog partner (voiced by Luda) who need to go undercover to solve a crime at a dog show. I’m laughing already. It hurts. The poster seems to indicate that these are pampered pups while Ludacris’ police dog is tough talking and crime-busting. Sounds like a real dog out of water comedy! I bet the Pomeranians are eating duck pate while the undercover dog roots through the trash for an old diaper.
Co-starring Academy Award nominee Stanley Tucci and Emmy nominee Natasha Lyonne.
Pre-order your tickets now, because opening day crowds will be ruff.
Full disclosure: I don’t know who Kyrie Irving is. I know approximately one NBA player and he’s probably retired by now. The last NBA game I watched was in 2003, and that was for about four minutes while I asked my dad for pizza money. My dad has very selective hearing during sports games. He tried to reschedule my birth for a Bengals game.
I cannot write a better synopsis of this film than the one listed on Rotten Tomatoes. I can’t but help but admire the frankness of this hungover intern: “Have you seen those videos where NBA star Kyrie Irving dresses up in old-person makeup, calls himself Uncle Drew, and destroys opposing teams in pick-up basketball games? This is that, in feature-length form.”
Well played Todd.
Skyscraper continues the trend that The Rock/Dwayne Johnson is charming enough that we’ll forgive him anything. Skyscraper is about… Eh, Its just San Andreas but in a skyscraper. Look, stuff is going to blow up and buildings are going to fall down. Does it really need any more set up than that? If you are prepared to watch this movie, you pretty much know the deal. I’m not exactly Nostradamus, but I foresee a very pretty lady in there somewhere. Does it matter if she’s a scientist, or his cousin, or a French ambassador? She will run from loud noises while wearing inappropriate clothing. Invest in some flats and a pair of jeans, fictional ladies!
Skyscraper could just open with Dwayne microwaving a Hungry Man dinner, looking out the window and screaming, “Ahh! Fire Tornado!” and then punching it into submission.
Like most people, you’ve probably lain awake at night worrying about you career, your crushing debt, how others see you, and who would win in a fight between Jason Statham and a prehistoric shark. The Meg is here to answer at least one of those questions. In what sounds like a script that was politely passed over by the Scy-Fy channel in order to make Sharknado 6: Are we Still Doing These?, the meg in question is a mega shark and the tagline is “Pleased to Eat You.” So you can probably see where this is going. Oscar bait about the poverty in the slums of India. I kid! I’m so silly. No, it looks like it’s going to be Jason Statham punching one of the world’s most noble creatures in the face for ninety minutes while the shark mulls over the senseless cruelty of man. He’s a shark! He needs to eat something and humans are made up of 90 percent Nacho Cheese Doritos! I’m currently penning the unofficial sequel Lobster. Lobster will be told entirely from the lobster’s point of view. The lobster sees his entire family viciously boiled alive and eviscerated by human monsters. It’s a race against time to save himself and his sexy lobster girlfriend from the Mother’s Day Lunch Special at Red Lobster. Are you listening Scy-Fy? That’s the sound of dollars rolling in.
Book Club is the movie that your mom is going to want to see with you and will undoubtedly make you uncomfortable. Book Club features a group of women (Diane Keaton, Candace Bergan, Jane Fonda and Mary Steenburgen) who join a similarly titled book club and rather than pick out one of the plethora of classic and modern masterpieces available at your local library, decide to read Fifty Shades of Grey. I guess the back of the cereal box wasn’t available. It changes their lives in a way that only a clunky book about S&M you find at a bus stop can. Now, I guess I can’t be too judgmental, as I have never read Fifty Shades of Grey. People tell me I have nice eyes and I would hate to have to burn them out with a hot poker. If you want to see mature feminist icons in a movie about gaining a new lease on life based on a softcore porn novel featuring a wealthy, powerful man and a submissive, sexually naïve girl, this is the summer ticket! Bring your Mom and chug some of that boxed chardonnay! Let the Yellow Tail wine flow like –well, wine. Be prepared to hear about her E-harmony requests and her asking you if you’ve ever done the Tinder.
So enjoy this roster of surely memorable summer movies with the knowledge I will not be responsible for any refunds!