Before we attempt to unpack the 20 some different movies that are mashed together in “Megalopolis,” let’s make something very clear: Francis Ford Coppola is one of the greatest living filmmakers of our generation. A bold visionary responsible for the some of the greatest contributions to cinema, you won’t find a more unique, successful, ambitious filmmaker who’s highs are widely regarded as masterpieces. Coppola gave us “The Godfather 1 and 2,” “The Conversation,” “Bram Stroker’s Dracula,” and “Apocalypse Now.” He has earned respect, and nothing can ever take away his great works. But just because some of his works are the pinnacle of cinematic mastery doesn’t exonerate him from criticism.
I am all for paying my respects to the greats, and you can honor them without the needs to prostrate yourself at their feet every single time they step behind the camera. Great filmmakers are more than capable of making bad movies, and this fallacy of infallibility as a knee jerk defense mechanism needs to be reexamined and frankly, stopped entirely. Yes, he made the “The Godfather,” but he also made “Megalopolis,” an absolute incoherent mess of disconnected ideas, horrendous visuals and even worse performances.
One doesn’t shield the other, nor do they cancel each other out. You don’t need to grandstand on his best achievements as way to excuse his worst indulgences, which “Megalopolis” is to the worst degree. Of all the recent vanity projects from egocentric filmmakers, this one takes the cake for being the least enjoyable, the most nonsensical, and the most insufferable so far.
It genuinely pains me to make this a hit piece rather than a celebratory review. I love Coppola and his work, even some of his less celebrated and I truthfully wanted to be one of those people who found beauty in the madness. Sadly, I’ve never wanted to leave a film more than I did sitting through “Megalopolis,” even during its times of unintentional comedy and baffling line delivery. The memes and gifs far exceed the actual experience, and I cannot think of one single minute of this that I enjoyed. It isn’t even a film; it’s a fever dream journal from an 85 year old man with time, money and a camera. Yes, Coppola has every right to do whatever he wants with all 3, but I don’t have to like the final product just because it was made. It is made for no one but Coppola himself, and only makes sense to him too. No one in this film and no one watching it gets it because it isn’t made for anyone. Anyone that tries to pretend they get this film is channeling that college freshman naivety, the kind where they take Philosophy 101 and Intro to the History of Roman Empire then run around bolstering how clever they are now as if they themselves discovered education and learning.
There’s no point in even trying to give you a synopsis for this, either. It’s not even that it’s all that complicated. “Megalopolis” at its core is pretty straight forward in its base narrative and themes, but is so bombastic and chaotic with its execution that it all gets lost pretty quickly. The only thing that makes sense IS that nothing makes sense, and more and more ideas keep finding their way into every disconnected scene. This is so inaccessible and distracting and tonally imbalanced that you’re left with nothing but confusion and bewilderment that THIS is Coppola’s self proclaimed magnum opus. Even the people in the film have no idea what they’re doing. Every single performer is in a completely different movie. It’s as if Coppola gave every person a different version of the script but didn’t tell anyone their’s is different, and then rolled cameras.
Seriously, “Megalopolis” doesn’t have two performers onscreen that are making the same film. Adam Driver as Ceasar Catalina (sidenote, these character names are VERY real) is making a Shakespearean stage play. Natalie Immanuel as Julia Cicero is making a straight drama, out of her depth surrounded by greats but felt compelled to have “Worked with Coppola” on her resume. Giancarlo Esposito as Mayor Franklyn Cicero is making a Lifetime made for TV drama. Aubrey Plaza as Wow Platinum (yes, really) is making a 1940s noir parody. Shia Labouf as Clodio Pulcher is making a straight up SNL sketch of Rome. Laurence Fishbourne as Fundi Romaine thinks he’s reprising his role as Morpheus and making “Matrix 5.” Dustin Hoffman as Nush Berman I assume just stopped by one day to visit his friend and somehow managed to get on film and left in the final cut. Jason Shwartzman as Jason Zanderz is literally a background extra and I’m actually shocked to discover his character even had a name. And Jon Voight as Hamilton Crassus III has absolutely no idea he’s in a movie.
I wish so much that I was exaggerating, here. But “Megalopolis” is really this silly, and its star studded cast are just as confused as we are throughout its entire 2 and a half hour runtime. Even its visuals aren’t all that compelling, with its yellow hues and faux combinations of New York as New Rome clearly filmed on sound stages, green screens, and New Jersey. Even when we finally get a glimpse of the new utopian city Cesar calls Megalopolis, it looks a lot like the “Society if ‘this thing’ never happened” meme. For all its scope and ambition, it lacks a vision that is clear enough to resonate. There’s no immersion here, just bland and off putting shots paired with manic editing that feels punishing rather than inviting. I’m all for experiments and experimental cinema, but it also has to mean something and have something to say and frankly, look better to be effective.
“Megalopolis” amounts to nothing more than society is bad and needs to change and we should do that by talking to each other and just getting along otherwise we’ll end up like the Roman Empire. That’s not saying much, and the ideas and pathways with which Coppola attempts to get those points across simply don’t work or make any sense whether they’re paying attention or not. Turns out you CAN think about the Roman Empire a little too much, and “Megalopolis” is what happens when men with time, money and camera want to tell you how often they think about it and how obsessed they are with it. It’s not even so bad it’s good, either. It’s just BAD bad. It’s bad, bold, overly ambitious but ultimately self indulgent cinema pawned off as “art” but is really just an incoherent stream of conscience that amounts to shit.
And I know that even after I’ve said it, there will still be people coming for me with the lame arguments I already addressed. So, ya, you can spare me the whole “you just didn’t get it” argument because there’s nothing to get. It’s a mess to 10th degree and doesn’t need you to pour over every poor decision to reinterpret as art that only you get because you’re so into Coppola and the Roman Empire. That’s that college freshman ego bullshit and we don’t need that here. It’s ok, I’ll say it, I’m not afraid: “Megalopolis” is shit. It is one of the worst movie going experiences I’ve had in a long time, and might be one of the worst films of the year. You can “But he made Apocalypse NOW!” and “But he did what he wanted to do” all you want at me. None of it changes the fact that “Megalopolis” sucks and we should all be far less forgiving.
I can go on and on about all the things I hated about “Megalopolis.” The sudden starts and stops to every sequence, the constant starting and abandoning of subplots, the underwritten characters, the out of nowhere title cards paired with even worse narration of Fishbourne reading it to us because I assume Coppola thinks we’re too stupid to read it ourselves, the bizarre line deliveries, the inexplicable time stopping that seems really important but amounts to nearly nothing, the dystopian future clashed with old timey reporters with giant cameras and notepads, megalon as an all powerful….thing? that exists from time to time, the 40 minute coloseum-esque sequence filled with drugs, wrestling, cirque du soleil performers and of course, a very obvious and far too long pop star sequence/sub plot that is a very obvious swipe at Taylor Swift. This doesn’t even mention the strangest, live person interviewing a character, which sounds way more interesting than it actually ends up being.
All of this and more bang and collide together like a toddler playing with action figures and making up the story as he goes along. However clever “Megalopolis” thinks it is, it’s just a child playing with toys. The only difference is this child is 85 years old, the toys are astronomically expensive and he really loves the Roman Empire.
I know morbid curiosity got the better of me, and all of my “Megalopolis” slander probably just makes you want to see it even more. I warn you not to, and there are far better ways to waste your time. Hell, there’s even better bad films I disliked a lot that I would recommend over this.
I would advise strongly against suffering through “Megalopolis.” So go back to the CLUUUUBBB and live your life, because all I kept thinking while sitting in the theater is wishing I too could be like Cesar and yell, “TIME STOP.”
Ugh, I just know the “Babylon” hive loved “Megalopolis.”
Rating: .5 out of 5 Stars
“Megalopolis” is now playing in theaters. You can watch the trailer below.
